Infinitely

A Year’s Worth

You gave, slain in sighs
Bluest whispers in the sunshine
Carry me down, uncanny words 
Reminders of broken walls
Walk through them, 
In faithless times
Shadows in your eyes

What I couldn’t see
Was what I tried to hold
Blinded by the sunset 
-In retrospect
Listening to the birds
Inside my walls

What if there were two moons,
One in the sky
The other, I saw 
When I was swimming
In between the waves
Captured in raindrops

Thousands- little lights

Unaware, all sideways
To be proven, first lose
A composition to taste
Well worn words
On the tip of your tongue
I believed it
-Even before you said it

Believe you

To find an unabridged version of the truth through someone’s eyes nears on 
the brink of impossible, because we all see but hardly anybody really sees
and the easier thing to do is to remember it your own way as you close
your eyes in the dark.
As we swim in the unconsciousness we are reminded of our immediate
fears and watch familiar nightmares unfold methodically, relentlessly.
With the truth so easily altered and varied by a mere thing called perception,
what are we to trust and what are we to believe? She looks at you with
soft butterfly eyes and you tell her your feelings are true, truer than 
facts because emotion is purely existent from an intrinsic source. Its 
realness and magnitude, you tell her, is unquestionable, but you see
the doubt in her eyes and you want to break down the gate of tears
of the past and make her see the exquisite truth you are offering her.
If you could undo her gaze and tangle yourself up in its strands,
you would, but you see her questions, her pains and you hold her
hand and hold her close.
You long to be her truth and save her from her doubts; make her
see, one day, why you’re still there. 

Maybe the residue of unrepeated yesterdays haunt me to sleep
and before I know it, the light of the sun retreats into a changing horizon
Or maybe, it’s your whispers from a decade ago, in its candid sincerity
reverberating through my memory that I’d long washed away.
You didn’t want me to come with you, so I pretended not to know you
and made you cry and so I laughed in your face, not out loud, but
you knew. We stopped speaking and that’s when I knew, how much
I would miss your voice and your touch.
Scattered in the ashes, alongside the river that flows incessantly and
ever without pause, the echoes of your presence pinch my nerves
in my dreams. In the morning, I awake, limping and sometimes
breathless. To catch myself in the mirror in fear of being spurned,
so I reflect my darkest moments when the sun is the brightest, just so
I would be half blinded and incapable of understanding anything
less than the truth. 

Intermittency, this is a word,
A counterargument to all else that
You may utter from those lips,
Because I’d hate to see your tears
But I have already made you cry and
Apologies are your weakness
So nothing beats the rain
Like the rooftops over the cities,
And despite all the things I say,
You still go out without your umbrella
Or sometimes without shoes and
My thoughts flutter to the wayside
As you walk on the sidewalk
Next to me holding my hand.

Will you shadow my regrets and resist my temptations?
Grasp my hair and pull be back into your chest,
Remind me of yesterday because it slips from my mind
More easily than my fingers sliding down the glass.
If you could unleash the demons inside my vice,
Free my castle of lies, mistakes and faults
Push me down, into the floor and shake me
Until I’ve forgotten my own name and only know yours
When the moon pushes the stars into the dark
And echoes of our thoughts collide and crash
Like midnight waves, bigger and louder than those
Under the sun

Her Religion

If you were to ask her whether she believed in a god or a higher power, or what her religion was, she would most likely furrow her eyebrows, and her eyes would lose focus, at least from reality. She’d get a far off look in her eyes, as if she were staring at something in the very distance, something that was so far away that it did not exist in the same world, and she’d answer you after a few moments. She wouldn’t be able to tell you about a god, greater power, or fate or anything of the sort. She would tell you she didn’t follow any organized religion and did not have a concrete set of beliefs that she kept in her heart through her life, but she would tell you that she found meaning in life from thinking. From questioning all that was offered to her, from every object she saw to every person she met, every idea or thought she encountered to the pattern of the clouds in the sky, from a passing shadow on the ground to the balance of feelings in her heart- that was what she garnered meaning from, and in that she found a sense of comfort and direction. From being, just being a person, herself, she found everything she would need to keep being. That was her sort of faith. 

Would you shed a tear for me beyond the path that you outlined for me long ago?
Had I sidelined your intentions for me and abandoned conventions for the sake of freedom and free will, would you think badly of me?
Where did I go that day when I walked out of that door, leaving you behind in the dusty sunlight?
Wishful thinking tells you that I never left, but your eyes tell you otherwise.

I haven’t written to you in a while and I don’t know if a simple letter would suffice, but it will have to do. 

I just wanted to tell you that I left but I didn’t disappear, and that I am walking but not running away and that I still think about you even though I hardly think. 

To the two of you that said you’d like if I put up the screenplay I wrote, I’m flattered, just by your thoughts. You’ve convinced me. Guess that wasn’t so hard. 
I understand if you don’t get through the entire thing, or decide not to read it after all, but here it is.
If you do read it, I’d love to hear your thoughts. As of now, let’s just call it: “Letting Go.”

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Shine on, blush deep, blush like you’ve just stepped in from a blizzard
Your eyes always speak aloud, with brilliance that’s lit from the inside
Keep that spark lit, don’t ever let your embers flicker out
I love you for all that you are
In your timid shyness, you linger in the sunshine
All that you forget about yourself, I’ll keep safe for you
Shine on, and remember just this, with the way you shine, you can’t help but be found. 

Unbeknownst to you, my dealings are illicit
And every moment we propose to inspire 
We ponder in the vapors rising in the air
Could you see me through the smoke,
Will you breathe in what I have let go? 
Light up, watch the flame, down to the ashes. 

Blow trees in the wind and walk a few lines. 

Read what I write, but read what I haven’t written.
Everything is there if you just look.  

So tell me, have I crossed the line?
Have I lost my sense of morals and direction?
Do I know what I’m doing?

I already know the answers, at least for those questions.

The others will come in time.

What’s up next? 

We smoke illusions, speaking of mindless musings and endless thoughts. The night becomes ours and we linger in the haze a little longer, believing in something real, a bit of the truth to speak to us as we wait. The air turns white, our breaths staining the cold. Or is it those illusions? 

Call it madness if you want, but how do you tell the sane apart from the lost ones?
We all wander, with direction or aimlessly, the wandering never ceases.
Light your feet on fire so you can see your path, but only so far. 
If you know too much, you’re bound to choose the wrong way to go.
Walk with purpose, but be lost. Walk with madness in your heart.
It is the only way. 

Shutter your eyes from the tragedies of the world
But truth is, you’re only hiding from yourself
The lies you tell others,
Become the truth, hidden from yourself
Shatter your heart within the horrors of the world
Drown in the beauty and you will understand
Lies never need to be told.